02 Apr 2017

Tired of lessons, Robin went
Abroad in search of merriment.
Geography could take a jump
And Mr Bulstrode! What a chump!
There must be better things to do
On sunny springtime afternoons
So Robin did the fabled ‘one’
And went to look for larger fun.

She passed the park, ignored its trees
“We can,” she thought, “improve on these;
What’s really needed first is cash.”
She reached a jeweller’s. Robin smashed
The window in with half a brick
And reached her arm in for to nick
Two pocketsful of rings and gems
And hopped it, bent on selling them.

For you or me this might take time.
This wasn’t Robin’s debut crime
And she knew just the chap to see
To introduce liquidity.
Her dodgy contact saw her right
And so it was by break of night
that Robin’s wallet fairly bulged:
desires for sprees could be indulged!

“How exciting!” you might think,
As you quietly sip your drink
Or sit and watch the latest Disney
Film, whichever one it is.
“I wish my life contained more thrills;
perhaps I’ll take to dealing pills
or steal a motherfucking yacht!
Can’t really see what choice I’ve got!

At least things wouldn’t be so dull.”
But wait; you’ll see your glass half full
When I relate what happened next,
So mark this cautionary text.
Before young Robin got ten yards
The cops had nabbed her good and hard.
And Rod, the fence? Arrested too.
Do jewel thieves still seem cool to you?

At any rate, they don’t to me.
And as the actions proved to be
In neither case a first offence
The prison terms were quite some length.
Before you act the perfect fool
Perhaps you’d best stick in at school
In preference to doing time.
Compared to awful, boring’s fine.

28 Mar 2017

A man trapped his junk in an old travel trunk
And in freeing himself badly splintered his balls;
Not so bad to come back from, you wouldn’t have thunk
But he sees no more reason for living at all.

27 Mar 2017

Everyone knows
It’s a ‘murder’ of crows
But it’s not for the reasons that one might suppose.

It’s just that they heard
That a fearsome word
As a nickname would hold off unsuitable birds.

They eventually settled
On one more heavy metal;
Prior to that, as a group, they were ‘petals’.

25 Mar 2017

If ever a man was a stereotype
Young Alan McGuinness was he.
He worked as a clown,
Painted over his frown,
So that none of the people could see.

But no one’s predictable all of the time
And he ain’t murdered anyone yet
(well there were one or two
but t’be honest with you
that’s really as good as you’ll get).